How Not To Move A Mattress

Today, we have a case of an event gone awry. But not just any event. It's an event which you wonder why it ever took place to begin with. It's an event which more than one person needed to concur that it was a good idea. It's an event in which both of those things seem completely impossible. They're definitely hard to explain.

Take the case of a one Timothy Lee Walker, 48-years old (and old enough to know better) and a one 42-year old Stella Thomas (also old enough to know better). According to MSNBC, one or both of these dimwits bought a mattress and were taking it home themselves. Naturally, they had neither the vehicle, nor the equipment with which to transport a mattress from one place to another. (Why is it that nine times out of ten, if someone is moving a mattress, they do not have a truck? I've never understood that. It's like some weird unwritten law of nature that if you don't have a truck, you're going to have to move your mattress. It's practically guaranteed.)

Now, most people, when transporting a large object that they have to put on top of their vehicle, tend to use some sort of tethering utilities to secure said object to said vehicle. Those can range anywhere from rope and twine to nylon cords and bungee cords. And that's just to name a few. You know what is noticeably absent from my list? That's right. The human body. See, Mr. Walker decided that a good idea for keeping the mattress on top of the vehicle was for him to lie down on top of the 1996 Ford Explorer while Ms. Thomas drove the moron and the mattress to their destination. You want to guess how that turned out? Poorly, that is correct.

Surprisingly, Mr. Walker "...fell from the vehicle when...Stella Thomas, 42, rounded a curve, causing the mattresses to slide off the roof". I don't know how they thought that was ever going to work. Mr. Walker's condition was such that he "...was taken by helicopter to a hospital". At the writing of the scant article (which is probably about as extensive as Mr. Walker's problem solving skills) "His latest medical condition wasn't known". Well, while his latest medical condition wasn't known, I'm guessing that his latest mental condition could probably be guessed at with a great degree of accuracy. What a maroon. I wonder how she ended up getting the mattress home after he went to the hospital?

That's NOT How You Got Pregnant

There was a headline over at The Huffington Post today that I just loved. And when I say "just loved" I mean "just made me want to stab my myself". The headline read "Man Loses iPod, Accidentally Impregnates Wife". Uh-huh. I'm going to need to know more about this, even though I'm guessing that it will increase the urge to stab.

The headline is referring to an iPhone Touch. But the guy in question (lots of questions), a one Doug Wilson, also has an iPhone 4 which he carries around in his hand all of the time. Literally. The guy doesn't put it in his pocket because, according to what he told those at the fledgling CNN, that "...would be too risky, he said, because he might miss a photo opportunity -- like that crazy "rat tail" hairdo he saw at a fast-food spot recently. ("I was like, 'I've GOT to take a picture of this!')" Um, yeah. OK. Wouldn't want to miss that! All rightee, then. Where does the pregnancy come in?

Well, somehow, this guy managed to find himself a wife at some point, a one probably lovely Ashlee. I'm guessing it was before he started carrying around his iPhone 4 with him whenever he is awake. Just a hunch. Anyway, he claims that it was Ashlee whom he "...accidentally impregnated one evening after forgetting to look at an iPod app that explains the details of the rhythm method." Wait a minute. What now?

Correct. He told CNN "That's how we got pregnant...because I lost my [iPod Touch]." If you'll excuse me for a moment, I need to find a wall upon which I'm going to bang my head for a few seconds.

OK, I'm back. Ow. Where was I? Oh, that's right. I was about to bellow "THAT'S NOT HOW YOUR WIFE GOT PREGNANT!" Your wife got pregnant because you had SEX. It's all of the SEX that gets one pregnant, NOT the app! I'm sure that it won't surprise you to learn that this man, who believes that his iPod has the power of spermatozoa, is from Arkansas. I kind of figured that something like that was in play when he got so excited about the guy with the rat tail hair.

The story doesn't conclude with Doug saying that he has now learned what the rhythm method entails or that he's invested heavily in a nice, large supply of condoms or, most importantly, that his iPod had NOTHING to do with his wife getting pregnant. Nope. None of those. It concludes with Doug asserting that "...the slip-up was yet another reminder that his phone should be turned on, in his hand, ready to accept alerts -- all the time." Good Lord. Really? It wasn't even your PHONE that had the damned app on it! (In other news, there's an app that details the rhythm method for you. According to iphoneapples.com "There are currently 180 apps available in the App Store that help women calculate their time of the month." Huh. So, 180 calendar apps are available. Good to know. Morons.)

While I am glad that they are thrilled about the impending birth of their little girl, I'm a bit afraid for that child. Granted, things were a little stacked against her in the first place, what with the Arkansas locale and all. But this whole "I got my wife knocked up because I couldn't find my iPod" is a bit troubling. I wonder if there's an app that will help one reduce the dependence upon apps? A bit ironic, sure. But in this case, probably warranted.