Crack In The Crack

Plausible deniability can only get you so far, but it really isn't going to get you anywhere when you use it in situations where deniability is not only not plausible, but it's not even conceivable. You know, like when Paris Hilton said that she thought that the cocaine that fell out of her purse (which she claimed was not hers) was gum. Or when Lindsay Lohan said that the cocaine that was found in jeans that she was wearing wasn't hers because they weren't even her pants! Or when someone has crack cocaine shoved up their ass and claims that it's not theirs. Wait. What was that last one? You know...about the crack?

Right. Well, naturally, this takes place in Floriduh. According to the smoky folks over there at The Smoking Gun, a one 25-year old Raymond Roberts was pulled over for speeding. Upon approaching the car, the authorities noticed the strong stench of marijuana and subsequently searched our hero. It was during said search that "...Deputy Sean Cappiello "felt a soft object in the crack of his buttocks," (and) the suspect "began to tense up." Roberts volunteered to remove the item. “Let me get it, hold on” he said, and proceeded to place a "clear plastic baggie with a green leafy substance." Nice of Mr. Roberts to voluntarily remove the substance from his own butt crack for the officer.

But, wait! There's more! The deputy who searched him asked him if that was it. Meaning: Are these all of the drugs that you have hidden in your butt? Of course, Mr. Roberts claimed that was all that was in his butt. But wouldn't you know it? The deputy decided to continue to search Mr. Roberts and reported: "I then searched his shorts again and felt another object that was in the crack of his buttocks. I pulled the object out from the exterior of his shorts and a clear plastic baggie with a white rock substance fell to the ground." Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Did Mr. Roberts really think that even though they found the first of his posterially concealed substances, somehow, they weren't going to find the other ones? Or maybe because he had such a solid alibi, he just wasn't worried about it. That's right. He had an alibi as to why things were falling out of his butt. He told the cop “The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is.” Oh, what the what? For reals? Yes. For reals. See, "...he claimed...that the crack in his crack was the property of a friend who had previously borrowed the car and left the drug on the passenger seat." Right. Because if there's one thing that defines people who use drugs, it's their inability to always know the whereabouts of their drugs. Drug users are always leaving their drugs just lying around on the front seat of people's cars.

Regardless as to whether or not Mr. Roberts' statement is true or not (it isn't), I'm kind of thinking that once something is IN your body (or at least, very close to being IN your buttock-al region), you don't get to claim that it isn't yours. That's no longer a choice. In the glove compartment? Under the passenger seat? Sure. Give it a whirl and try to get out of those situations by claiming it isn't yours. But when you're clenching it between your arse cheeks, you've got nothing. Oh, wait. I take that back. You have a pretty funny story.

A Shocking Outcome

Today's Dumbass Files Dumbass Lawsuit comes to us courtesy of a one Kyle Dubois from Dover, New Hampshire. (This reads a lot better if you use a game show announcer voice in your head when you read it.) Let's see who Kyle is suing! First of all, Kyle is suing his teacher, a one Thomas Kelley. But Kyle doesn't stop there! He's also suing his school district AND the city of Dover! And why is he suing, Bob? (I'm envisioning that the announcer's name is Bob.) Why, he's suing because he claims that his electrical shop teacher didn't warn him of the dangers of electricity before he hooked two clamps up to his nipples and then had another student plug him in! Wait. What, Bob?

Yep. It is just what it sounds like it is. Eighteen year old (and certainly old enough to know better) Kyle Dubois attached one of those little electrical clamp things (that look kind of like jumper cables) to one of his nipples. Another idiot student attached the other clamp to the other nipple. And the idiot student trifecta was completed when a third moron plugged in the cord. What happened next will shock you. (Actually, it'll shock him, but you already saw that it was headed in that direction.)

According to The Boston Herald and surprising no one but perhaps Kyle, after the human battery jumper was all hooked up and the current was applied, he "...received a severe shock that caused him to stagger and collapse". The article goes on to say that the shock resulted in the asshat (my terminology, not that of The Boston Herald) "...being sent to Wentworth-Douglass Hospital, where he was diagnosed as having an "out of hospital electrocution resulting in cardiac arrest, unresponsive state and respiratory failure". It doesn't state that they diagnosed him as being a complete ignoramus, but let's not rule that out, OK? OK. Oh, by the way, here's a screen grab from a 4-second cell phone video that one of this moron's classmates made of him hooking himself up to be a human Roman candle. You can tell by the fact that his pants are about three inches below the top of his boxer shorts that the boy isn't quite right in the head to begin with. Behold!

According to the documents filed in this absolutely meritless lawsuit, this moron "...suffered brain damage due to the heart stoppage. He has short-term memory loss and "other losses and disruptions" as a result." I'm not so sure that the brain damage was due to the heart stoppage. If I had to guess, I'd gather that he might have had a little bit of brain damage already going on when he went into class that day. And I can't even imagine what the "other losses" could possibly be. Has he joined the ranks of the un-layable as a result of this? Oooh! Maybe he lost his nipples. Is that it? Is he nippleless? I hope so. That would be most excellent.

Of course, the basis for his lawsuit has to do with negligence on the part of the teacher. And since the teacher works for the district, they're allegedly liable for his actions. And I guess since the district is in the city they just go ahead and sue them, too. Do you really need to be warned to not hook yourself up by the nipples with jumper cables? And even if you do need to be warned about that, does that mean that you need to be warned about sending a jolt of electricity through said jumper cables which are now affixed to one's nipples? I guess if you're already grabbing your nubbins with the nodes, you might need some sort of alternative direction. But I prefer to leave things like this to Mr. Darwin.

Here's my question: He obviously did this for a reason. What in the hell did he think was going to happen? He had to have known that plugging in his little contraption there was going to result in electricity surging through his body via Nipple A and Nipple B. (I don't know if those are the actual names of his nipples. That's about as creative as I can be right now.) Maybe if he had paid a little more attention in class, he would have realized that by getting plugged in, he was going to sent 120 volts through his body. And if they're going to be suing people, why are they not suing the other two asshats who participated in this asininity? Shouldn't they be the first people that should be included in this lawsuit?

What a waste of time and money. What ever happened to natural consequences? If some idiot hooks himself up to a surge of electricity, I certainly hope that he would get lit up like a Christmas tree or have sparks go shooting out of his nipples like it was the Fourth of July. That seems perfectly reasonable. And if someone is eighteen years old and hasn't quite grasped the fact that electricity will kill your ass, I see nothing wrong with that individual learning through experience. Case closed.

Mother of the Year Candidate

This woman is definitely the front runner for "Mother of the Year 2010". I'm not sure if I should say fortunately or unfortunately she's going to be a tough act to top. Seriously, you tell me something more abhorrent than a woman marrying the guy who was charged with sexually abusing her 7-year old daughter. Can't think of anything? How about something more abhorrent than a woman marrying the guy who was charged with sexually abusing her 7-year old daughter and then helping the man elude police for a time being? Still nothing? OK, then how about something more abhorrent than a woman marrying the guy who was charged with sexually abusing her 7-year old daughter and then helping the man elude police for a time being, all only TWO hours after he was indicted? Drawing a blank, aren't you? We have a winner!

Here's the story as told by OregonLive.com. It's from an article that they published where we learn that a one 47-year-old (and clearly old enough to freaking know better) Don Edward Smock Jr., was charged with 45 felony counts of child-sex-related charges. That was back in July when "...Smock was indicted on 13 counts of using a child in a display of sexually explicit conduct, eight counts of first-degree encouraging child sexual abuse, one count of first-degree attempted sexual abuse and 23 counts of second-degree encouraging child sexual abuse." See, this is one of those times when an indictment is simply too kind. This is one of those times that seems to require a fifty cent solution. One bullet. Carefully placed. Problem solved. What a pig.

But it gets worse. Only a mere two hours after he was indicted, Mr. Smock and the mother of his victim, a one 41-year old Barbara Lynn Whitehead, "...secretly married in a ceremony in Colton (that's in Oregon)". And naturally, when you get married, you want your family present, right? Apparently, that's just how twisted Ms. Whitehead was, as her 7-year old daughter, the one who was being abused by Mr. Smock, was there for the nuptials of this vile couple. Seriously, lady, what in the hell is wrong with you? How on earth could you possibly justify doing that? You should never have that child or any child for that matter in your custody ever again. It doesn't really get much more wrong than this. Not much. A little bit, but not much.

By the way, this woman looks just about like you'd expect her to look. Behold!

The little bit worse that it gets is that after the ceremony, "....all three drove to Portland and checked into a hotel for a weekend-long honeymoon, before Smock disappeared." Uh, I think I might hurl. I really don't want to have to speculate as to whether or not the little girl was involved in any of the typical honeymoonal activities, but I really don't put anything past this guy and his scumbucket bride at this point.

Fortunately, thanks to help from the public, scumbucket was arrested Wednesday and Mrs. Scumbucket was arrested on Monday. They ended up charging her with four counts of wrongfulness. Tampering with a witness, hindering prosecution, perjury and false swearing. (What in the world is false swearing? Is it like you're about the say the F-word and then you don't? Hardly sounds like anything that would be considered a crime. Annoying? Sure. But criminal? That'd be odd.) Four counts? That doesn't seem like nearly enough.

The 7-year old "...was taken into custody by state Child Protective Services". I think that the words of a one Detective Jim Strovink, who is the Clackamas County Sheriff's Office spokesman, pretty much sum up the actions of these two asshats. He said, "This would appear to be a new low." That's saying something. The bar, after all, is incredibly low to begin with when you're dealing with scum that sexually abuse children. I only wish that I thought that we wouldn't be able to go any lower. But I know better. There is some sick ass person out there who will do worse than this. And it probably won't take long, either.