Ready, Aim, Fire! Finally.

In what appears to be quite possibly the lamest, last ditch effort to save oneself from having their death penalty carried out, a one Ronnie Lee Gardner has asked the Utah Board of Pardons and Parole for clemency. His rationale? Oh, he's sorry. And he's different. And he's changed. Oh, and he thinks that he has plans (that may or may not involve Oprah Winfrey) "...to develop 160 acres in northern Utah for an organic farm and residential program for children...so he can help troubled kids avoid the kind of problems that landed him on death row." Uh-huh. Wait. What?

Correct. Meet Ronnie Lee Gardner. Ronnie's name is all too familiar to Utahns. Gardner was in a courtroom about to be tried for one murder and in an escape attempt, ended up killing an attorney. Oh, whoops! Gardner received the death penalty back in, oh, 1985. That's right. 1985. 25 years ago. How, exactly, is that a "penalty"? Should it really take twenty five freaking years to off this guy? It's not like there's a lot to argue here. He killed both of them. It's completely obvious. He did it. He's guilty. Why has he not been dead for a long time at this point? Who knows? I don't get it.

And another thing that I don't get is his latest attempt to spare his own life. Mind you, when this guy was asked what method he would prefer his execution to be, when given the choice between lethal injection and firing squad, this nutjob chose the firing squad. His reasoning? He's been shot several times before. He knows what that feels like. He doesn't know what lethal injection feels like, so he figured that he'd just go with what he was familiar with. Being shot. If you're that familiar with being shot, I certainly hope that you're not surprised that your ass ended up on death row.

But in this latest stunt (which seems like it's probably more for his own amusement and a good way to pass the time), he's trying to convince folks that he's a changed guy. Now, never mind that he "...had long been a problem inmate – instigating a riot, stabbing another prisoner and attempting multiple escapes, one of which was successful." Sure, that happened. But that was in the past. It's not the past anymore. It's the present and he's sorry. He even explains those things, according to an article over there at The Huffington Post, by telling the Board, "I was a nasty little bugger, I admit to it...I'm not changing to save my life. I've changed because I needed to change." A nasty little bugger? Um, sir, when you kill a couple of people for no reason what so ever, you're a little bit more than "a nasty little bugger". No, you, sir, are an a-hole. That's a little different.

But he has a plan! Here's the deal: Commute his sentence and he, along with the help of his brother, will get to work "...on his idea for the "Back to Basics" program" because he "...wants to help prevent kids from traveling down a path to violence and criminal activity." Hmmm. I think that this idea might have been more well received had he not already murdered two people. Now maybe that's just me, but I don't think so. After all, he apparently contacted The Oprah a couple of years ago to see if she would help him get this off the ground. I'm guessing that she declined.

And he's clearly thought this through. See, "He said he's earned about $1,300 selling prison artwork and crafts – handmade baby booties and handkerchiefs – to start the project." Yeah, um, no. How is $1,300 going to develop "...160 acres in northern Utah for an organic farm and residential program"? Oh, that's right. It's not. It's not now. It never will. And how sweet that he earned his money by handmaking baby booties! Who in the world is buying prison made baby booties?! Have y'all never heard of Baby Gap?!

I find these last minute pleas for clemency to be insulting to the memories of those who died needlessly at the hands of people like Mr. Gardner. I find it insulting for the relatives of those who died. I find it insulting all the way around. I understand that this is the way that our system works and that it's what makes our system the greatest in the world, but when it comes to pieces of trash like Ronnie Lee Gardner, I kind of wish that there was some sort of an out clause in the system.

You don't want kids to grow up and turn out like you did, Mr. Gardner? Tell you what. How about you pipe down and let those fine marksmen over there at the prison shoot a bunch of holes in you until you're good and dead? And then after they've placed your body in a Hefty bag and set it by the curb (seems like a proper burial), how about then if we tell kids about how things ended up for you? That seems a little bit more reasonable than letting you live. Fortunately, the last time that a death sentence was commuted in Utah was in 1962. And if that sort of reason prevails here, that will continue to stand as the last commutation in Utah. Then they can get down to business and execute this "nasty little bugger". Finally.

It's A Hallucination And You Know It Is!

From the files of "Don't do drugs, kids", a one 26-year old and old enough to know better, Jarrod Wyatt who is "...believed to have taken psychedelic mushrooms" is accused of (even though it's fairly obvious that he did this) "...brutally murdering his 21-year-old friend, Adam Powell" and, among other atrocities, "...cutting out his victim's tongue and heart." All of this according to the Times-Standard, which appears to serve Eureka and California's North Coast. Eww.

Now, I'm not suggesting that I have never imbibed in any sort of mind altering substances. I am frequently fueled by the grape or by the wheat (more frequently when writing this sort of blather, can't you tell?). In my rowdier days, I will even admit to having imbibed in substances that were not of a liquid variety. And all of that being said, I am going to state that regardless as to what I was indulging in, I knew that I was willfully (and more importantly) purposefully altering my brain. Thus, anything that I encountered during said state of alteration, was not to be taken too seriously. As a good friend of mine once said, "You know a hallucination is a hallucination!" But apparently, not everyone is aware of that.

Such seems to be the case with Mr. Wyatt. See, Mr. Wyatt and his friend (soon to become victim) "...became preoccupied with the idea that a tidal wave was coming, that the end of the world was upon them and that a struggle between God and the devil was taking place." That's a pretty wide variety of stuff there. Which one do you start to worry about first? The tidal wave? The end of the world? (It's unclear if the end of the world was to be caused by the tidal wave.) The God v. Devil attraction? (It's unclear if the end of the world, which possibly would have been cause by the aforementioned tidal wave, would have been the scenario for the God v. Devil showdown.) Hard to say.

The events that transpired after those preoccupations are also hard to determine. But what seems to be clear is that at some point, Powell was stabbed and hopefully, to death because also, "The body had had the majority of its face removed, and an 18-inch incision in its chest cavity." Yeah, that chest cavity was where his heart used to be. Mr. Wyatt took it out. That's right. Out. And then he did just about what you'd expect a nutjob like this to do. That's right. He cooked it in a wood burning stove. Wait. He did what?

You heard me. He took out his heart and cooked it in a wood burning stove. You know. To get rid of the devil and all. OK, then. I'm sure that at this point, you're kind of wondering what a fellow such as Mr. Wyatt looks like. Let me just tell you that he looks precisely as you probably think that he looks. Behold!

See? Told you. Now, I'm not thinking that it's going to be all that hard to convince Mr. Wyatt. After all, when the cops found him in the house where Mr. Powell had been killed, he was "...standing near a body on a couch, naked and covered from head to toe in what appeared to be dried blood." He also allegedly said, ”I killed him.” Yep. That oughta do it.

Now, listen, I'm not saying that the psychedelic mushroom tea that they are purported to have drank before all of this "tidal wave-end of the world-he is the devil" talk had nothing to do with it. Clearly, it had a lot to do with it. But what in the world did he think was going to happen when he was trippin' on shrooms? Seriously now. That's the point of ingesting the psychedelics. They make you see things that aren't there. Some people seem to enjoy that. ( Though I'm not quite sure why. I get annoyed enough at things that are actually here. I don't need stuff that doesn't exist hanging around and bugging the crap out of me, too.)

This gets back to what my good friend told me. You're taking a substance that is a known hallucinogenic. Therefore, you're going to hallucinate. You could (translation: most likely) see some pretty weird stuff going on. But that's only because you've induced yourself to the point where that's what is supposed to happen in those circumstances. You know what you do in those instances? That's right. You go with it! You don't stab your friend because you think he's the devil! You never rip off his face and you most certainly do not remove his heart from his chest and bake it in an oven, wood burning or otherwise!

People that say that they have no control over themselves in these situations are wrong. This is evidenced by the thousands of people who take psychedelic mushrooms and don't remove someone else's internal organs. You know what you're doing at the time that you're doing it. You just need to take the time and think about why you're doing it at the time that you're doing it. If you're doing it because you're suddenly under the belief that you need to intervene with the devil, you might want to just sit down for a moment or two and see what happens. Chances are that nothing will. (I know, I know, there's a first time for everything, but I really think that you're going to be OK in this instance.) And above all, you have to remember that you're under the influence of (in this case) shrooms! You wanted to hallucinate! And now you are! That doesn't mean that it's any more real just because it's not all bunnies and puppies and you don't like it! Now, put the knife down and get a grip on yourself.