American Idol wrapped up the tenth (and possibly final) season the other night by crowning the adorable former paint salesman Lee Dewyze as our new American Idol. And as is the tradition in the final American Idol show each season, the episode took on the characteristics of a mid-1970s variety show, with every sort of imaginable musical act (in theory) taking the stage. Let's take a look at some of those who graced our presence.There were the remaining two Bee Gees, Barry and Robin Gibb, singing "How Deep Is Your Love" with the seemingly eight-year old Aaron Kelly and quirky glass blower, Siobhan Magnus. Now, considering that American Idol's target demographic is 18-49 year olds, it's kind of an odd choice to have The Bee Gees on there. That song came out in 1977. And I have nothing against The Bee Gees. How they manage to make what they do sound good is beyond me. I'm just saying that I don't think that the majority of the audience watching that was thinking, "Oooh! The Bee Gees!" I'm guessing the majority were thinking, "Why is Professor Frink singing with a gay Kenny Rogers?"
Hall & Oates were there. Hall was looking a little weathered, shall we say. He was kind of sporting a Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart sort of look. That is, if Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart wore aviator sunglasses inside. Oates, on the other hand, had finally shaved off his porn star moustache. Granted, Oates isn't the most attractive fellow out there (which explains the gazillion close-ups of Hall, but only fuzzy, long distance shots of Oates), but losing the moustache really was a plug, so I looked at that as an overall win.
Alice Cooper, whom I thought was dead, but wasn't even though he looked like he was, performed "School's Out" with the Final 12 contestants. I didn't really need to see Crystal Bowersox in a schoolgirl's uniform. I just didn't. It's not that she's unattractive or anything, it's just that there's something wrong with a dreadlocked woman wearing a plaid school skirt. I'm just saying. And Alice was twirling what looked like a baton, but I'm guessing it was his cane to help him walk.
Alanis Morissette was there and sang "You Oughta Know" with Crystal Bowersox. I'm not a fan of censoring song lyrics. Mainly because they sound ridiculous when you do. Such was the case in this instance. "You Oughta Know" is about how Morissette's boyfriend (presumably, and strangely, to have been Dave Coulier from "Full House" fame) dumped her and moved on with some other chick as if nothing had ever happened. And if you think that she took that well, you'd be mistaken. She was angry. It's an angry song. It's a kick ass, angry song. So, when they change the line "Would she go down on you in a theatre" to "Would she go down with you to the theatre" it really loses quite a bit. Seriously. You think some chick is that angry because a guy's new girlfriend won't go with him to the movies but she would? It just doesn't work.
While I wasn't sure that Alice Cooper was still alive, I also wasn't sure that Bret Michaels wasn't going to be dead. As a big fan of the 1980s hair bands, I've been pulling for Bret lately. He came out and sang "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" with who will likely be a future Abercrombie & Fitch model, Casey James. That boy doesn't seem like he could spell "cat" if you spotted him the C and the T. It's a good thing he's pretty. But back to Bret. I really enjoy the bandana and the cowboy hat, but I'm starting to think that he's wearing it to cover up some sort of male pattern baldness or something. He always has one or the other on. And I'm kind of thinking that with his recent brain hemorrhage that there would have been a little scalpal shaving going on. You know. So they could stop the bleeding in his brain.
And in somewhat of a surprise move, Janet Jackson came out and performed two songs with lasers! Ooohhhhhh! Now, you'll remember that it was Ms. Jackson who bore her nipple for 9/32nds of a millisecond during a Super Bowl halftime show a gazillion years ago. Apparently, the folks at Fox weren't willing to risk having one of her breasticles or some other part of female anatomy come popping out during this show, so they had her in some sort of skin tight scuba outfit, as if she were getting ready to dive down and plug that oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. And she may be 44, but she rocked it. Nice job, Ms. Jackson (if you're nasty).
And since this was Simon Cowell's last episode of American Idol (as he's moving on to produce the American version of "The X Factor" and make another gazillion dollars), it only made sense to have the incredibly wacky Paula Abdul make an appearance. She gave a rather flat, yet probably heartfelt (as much as someone that pilled up can be heartfelt) speech which included a line that I'm pretty sure she never envisioned herself saying. She said, "American Idol is not going to be the same without you. But as only I can tell you,it will go on." I really don't think that she anticipated the show going on without her. I think that's why she was holding out for more money. Granted, she deserved it. But I don't think that she thought that they were going to call her bluff. Sorry, Paula. If it's any consolation, I think America misses you and your unintelligible antics.
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