Charlie Sheen At The Oscars

I know, I know. You're expecting a fashion filled extravaganza which reflects last night's Academy Awards ceremony, aren't you? (Don't get me wrong. I see no reason to not include pictures of the astonishingly lovely Sandra Bullock in this post. Different doesn't have to mean crazy or short-sighted!) Well, you would have gotten it if it hadn't been for my cousin who suggested that I pay attention to a little Twitter fad that took off during the Super Bowl. It seems as if someone had started a hashtag on Twitter called JaneAustenAtTheSuperBowl. And it was just what it sounds like. It was Jane Austen musings as if she were at the Super Bowl. (By the way, just so I'm not too hip for the room, a hashtag is this symbol: #. It designates a specific topic on Twitter. And also, just so I'm clear, Twitter is pretty useless most of the time. My participating in this nonsense should not be interpreted as any sort of indication that I think Twitter is cool. I don't.)

Thus, with that sort of seed planted in my often empty noggin, I thought that the Oscars would need a voice. Maybe not a Jane Austen sort of voice, as a friend of mine was completely appalled that anyone would disgrace the works of Jane Austen (she's really into bonnet movies and bonnet books), but a voice none the less. Then it hit me. Or I fell down because I was drunk. Whichever it was, I had a revelation. What the Oscars needed was more Charlie Sheen. Thus, I created the hashtag #CharlieSheenAtTheOscars and twat periodically throughout the telecast which I occasionally watched. What? Twat is the past tense of tweet, right? I will tweet. I am tweeting. I have twat. Sounds right to me.

And don't think that I ever expected anyone to notice this little method of amusing myself. I didn't. And I think I succeeded by setting my expectations as low as I usually do for things like this. So, since I know you missed it, allow me to take you through the Academy Awards show as seen through the tweets of a very real, yet very fictional Charlie Sheen. Behold!

• At Kodak Theater. Walk w/me side by side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Roll out that red carpet if you want, but I'm rolling out magic bro and I must save it for my family. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• No one has acknowledged me yet. I should have been walking in to sandwiches, massages and hand jobs. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• No one has even said hello. I feel like an unwelcome relative given cold coffee every night at nine o’clock.#Charliesheenattheoscars


• Showtime! Find the most comfortable seat in the house, lean back and watch—it’s about to get really gnarly. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Can't believe they didn't ask me to host. These two suck. I've got poetry in my fingertips.
  #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Screw hosting because that’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed. From the prom queen. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• My tux is uncomfortable. It doesn't fit because my chest and my biceps are too big. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I have effortlessly and magically converted your tin can into pure gold statuettes. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• First award of the night handed out. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars


• The first statuette is free. The next one goes in your mouth. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• No one at my table has won anything. I'm dealing with fools and trolls here. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• To all the losers: I have real fame, you have nothing. You have zero. I probably have syphilis. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I don't care who wins. I will forget about them as the last image of them exits this beautiful theater. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• There's Natalie Portman. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I am special, and I will never be one of you! I will never have an Oscar. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• If they want me in a sequel, it's a smash. If they don't, it's a turd that opens on a tugboat. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• No one looks happy. Is the rule that we have to all sit in here and touch ourselves and frown? #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• #Thekidsareallright I don't subscribe to any part of the model. They brainwashed my friends and my family. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Christian Bale freaking won?? Sorry man. Didn't make the rules. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• Jesse Eisenberg looks confused. Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh bye #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I could get nominated one day. There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I'm not Mark Zuckerberg. He was a pussy. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• Almost three hours of this so far. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I liked #TrueGrit. There's a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom! That’s the whole movie. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Melissa Leo. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Toy Story 3. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars