Unaired But Now Unlocked!

The Super Bowl is tomorrow! And even though I am a die-hard, completely loyal, San Francisco 49ers fan, I will be watching the game. Why? Well, first of all because football is awesome. And second, watching games with good teams remind me of how football is supposed to be played. Being as how the 49ers have been in the tank for the better part of the last 15 years, I tend to forget how the game is supposed to be played if you want to win.

And as I've mentioned before, I do enjoy a good Super Bowl commercial. I still haven't quite figured out why there isn't as much effort the rest of the year put into good commercials as there is for the ones that air during the Super Bowl. It would make me much more tolerant of them, I'll tell you that. And along a common theme with the previously unaired Bud Light commercials that I discussed here, Bud Light has created another one that seems to take place in the same workplace full of Bud Light loving losers. And this one hasn't technically been released yet! Sure, you can find it on You Tube, but you have to know what you're looking for. As a card carrying member of the Bud Light Facebook page (yeah, right, like I'm not going to take an opportunity to click "Like" for Bud Light), I have been given privileged access to this new commercial. And I'm taking the opportunity to share it with you. Enjoy. And behold! (And, as always, if that doesn't work, try watching it here.)

The Clothing Drive

Sorry for yesterday's post being super uber late. I haven't felt all that great in the last couple of days. (I don't like to say that I'm sick or getting sick because I don't like to be sick. I figure if I just avoid that terminology, everything will be fine. Try it yourself! Though you should probably be warned that it doesn't really work. Like, at all.)

So, I'm going to keep in line with the theme of Super Bowl commercials. (What? One day does not a theme make? You try feeling like I do and then saying that. Trust me. One day does a theme make!) Bud Light always seems to win when it comes to most amusing Super Bowl ads. And again, I'm not just referring to the ones that make it on the air. I have another favorite that came no where close to being aired and it is hilarious as well. It kind of has a similar theme to the Swear Jar commercial. (See?! Bud Light thought that one of something could make for a theme! I don't see why I can't.) If it worked for them, it's going to work for me. (I hope to be back in tiptop form shortly. I've been doing this every day for three years. I can't stop now! It might be some sort of Internet record!) Behold!

Effing Awesome

It's less than a week until the Super Bowl. And that means less than a week to some awesome commercials. Granted, they're not as good as they used to be. But there's usually at least one or two that will really stand out for years to come. And those that do stand out? Well, we can usually thank Bud Light for those. In fact, some of the best Super Bowl commercials (in my never to be humble opinion) are the ones that never aired. But, thanks to the accessibility of the Innerwebs and the YouTube, now they are available every day, all the time! How great is that? Pretty great, that is correct. And allow me to demonstrate just how pretty great it is with probably what is my all time favorite, never aired on TV, Bud Light ad. They call it, humbly enough, The Swear Jar. Enjoy it, you effers.

You're Not Really Offended

In another example of a company caving into allegedly "offending" a consumer (or potential consumer, I guess), we have a brewing company being informed by some overly sensitive individuals that their label was offensive and contained am image that should not be tolerated in our society anymore. Note: The person was a Wiccan astrologist and "healer". (Translation: She fancies herself a witch.) Side note: The image on the beer bottle was of a "witch" being burned at the stake. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to the delicious folks over there at Slashfood, the Port Brewing Company concocts a "...wheat beer, spiced with grapefruit zest, orange peel and coriander" called Lost Abbey Witch's Wit. Yummy. But it wasn't the deliciousness of the beverage that sparked the outrage of a one Vicki Noble. She is the aforementioned "witch" from the paragraph above. She saw the label on the bottle and flew off the proverbial broomstick handle! (That means she wrote a strongly worded email to the company.) Behold! Said label!

Huh. Cool. Kinda creepy. Good for Halloween sales, I would imagine. Sadly, capitalism isn't the focus of this tale. No, it's that there was a drawing of a person seemingly being burned at the stake with throngs of onlookers gathered 'round. THAT was the nugget of contention that Ms. Noble had with the beer. In her email she wrote: "Can you imagine them showing a black person being lynched or a Jewish person going to the oven?...Such images are simply not tolerated in our society anymore (thank the Goddess) and this one should not be, either." Oh, for cryin' out loud.

You know what the difference is between showing a black person being lynched or a Jewish person "going to the oven" and the depiction of someone being burned at the stake? The difference is that the first two might stir up some outrage because they actually happened. Witches being burned at the stake did not happen! You'd think that someone who claimed herself to be a witch would know that.

Are we really supposed to allow fake outrage at something that is allegedly offensive when it isn't even real? First of all, it's a drawing. It's not like there was a really nice color photo taken at the fiery event that was plastered on the bottle there. No, someone drew that. Second of all, witches that were tried during the Salem witch trials (which is what I'm assuming that she is wrongly referring to with all of her misplaced outrage) were generally hanged. I think that there were only around sixteen of them (not the gazillions like people have been led to believe) and they weren't burned at the stake. They were hanged. And finally, witches aren't real! Good Lord.

But what do you think the Port Brewing Company, of which Lost Abbey is a division, did? You got it. Instead of saying, "Tough witches teats" they instead will "...spend thousands of dollars to change the label." ::: sigh ::: What is wrong with you people?

Why would you do that? According to the article, a one brewery spokesman, a one Sage Osterfeld, said that "complaints flooded the brewery, accusing Port Brewing Company...of "inspiring violence against women. . . . We have been compared to the violence in Darfur." Oh, for Christ's sake! Are they burning people at the stake in Darfur? No? Then that's not a very good comparison then, is it? And it isn't crap like the labels on beer bottles that inspires violence against women. There are plenty of things that do inspire violence of all sorts, but I'm going to stick my neck out and say that beer bottle labels are NOT one of them. And I'd really like to know how many complaints "flooded the brewery". Ten? Regardless, if these people weren't loyal consumers of your brand, who gives a fat rat's ass? They can complain all they want; it's not like it's going to hurt sales or anything.

Port Brewing Company, I am deeply saddened by your actions. There is no reason why you should have had to change your awesome label. Why couldn't you have just told those who were all fake outraged that you were sorry? What did you think was going to happen if you didn't change the label? Were you afraid that they would cast a spell upon you? Psst! I'm going to let you in on a little secret. That doesn't work!

It's a shame, Port Brewing Company. Had I heard about this and heard that you did not cave in to fake outrage over a non-existent issue, I would have been tempted to go out and buy up your wonderful beverage by the truckload. But now? Now, not so much. Now I just see you as another cowardly company (not that I had ever heard of your before today, mind you, but I'm just saying) who would rather give power to the undeserving rather than stand up for what is right. I won't be buying any of your beverages in the future. Do you think that changing your label is going to make all of those "witches" flock to buy your product? I think not. Good choice, though. Reeeaaaalllly good choice.

You Gotta Get Two Beers And Jump

Yesterday, it was all about my new hero, Steven Slater. I realize that 'hero' is probably not exactly the most accurate word to describe what he has become. He's more just like a guy that I really wish I knew and that I really wish I could have a beer with (preferrably the beer that he grabbed right before he slid down the emergency chute of that plane he had been working on). And I think that Jimmy Fallon felt the same way about the guy, which led to him composing and performing this lovely ballad in honor of the man. Enjoy it. Just be warned that the tune is going to get stuck in your head for at least a day and quite possibly for the rest of your life. It's catchy and repetitive (as is the unwritten requirement for ballads, apparently). And if anyone could explain to me what was with the woman who couldn't remember the line, I'd appreciate it. It wasn't that hard. In fact, it was downright simple. Was it stage fright? The pressure of the crowd? She seemed to be enjoying herself and she managed to get out almost half of the line before she lost confidence in herself. What happened there? Hard to say. Hard. To. Say. Oh, and if the video below doesn't play, click here to check it out. You won't be sorry. (At least, you won't be sorry until the 300th time that you've sung that song in your head. Then you might be a little sorry.)

Steven Slater - My Hero

If you haven't heard the name Steven Slater by now, you will. And you will be glad that you did. This guy takes awesome to a completely different level. If you're going to give an impromptu resignation from your job, take some tips from Steven on how to go out in style.

See, Steven was a flight attendant working for JetBlue. The flight he was working had just landed at JFK when some idiot passenger does what at least one person does on every single flight that I've taken. They get up the second that plane hits the ground. Where do you people think that you're going? You're trapped inside of a metal tube. You're not going anywhere for at LEAST another five minutes and you're not getting OUT of the plane for at LEAST another eight minutes. Sit your ass down and wait until the freaking plane has at least stopped, you morons.

Seriously, you people jump for that overhead compartment as if it was on some sort of 'first come, first serve' basis, what are you thinking? It's not like there is going to be a better selection of luggage for you if you get the first. It doesn't work like that. It's not a sale. Generally speaking, you're supposed to exit the aircraft with the exact same bags that you brought onto the aircraft. What's your hurry?

According to the NY Post, Slater had an "...argument with a passenger, who sources said told Slater "to f--- off" after being told by Slater not to remove baggage from the overhead compartment." Granted, this flight originated in Pittsburgh and landed in New York, so I'm not overly surprised that this sort of individual was on the flight, but still. Do you really need to tell anyone that you don't know to f**k off? Especially when you're the one in the wrong? I don't think you do.

After that "The passenger insisted on opening the overhead compartment, hitting Slater in the head with the door as it dropped down." See?! This is why we don't do that. You moron. That was apparently the tipping point for our hero, Steven. As passengers were herding themselves (likely as always in the most ineffective fashion ever) toward the exit, our boy Steven got on the intercom and bellowed, "I've had it! To the f----ing ass---- that told me to f--- off, it’s been a good 28 years!" And it only gets better.

He then pulled the lever that activates the plane's inflatable evacuation chute. Nice touch. He then threw his bags down the slide, but before he slid down after them, there was one more thing he needed to make sure he took with him. That's right. He grabbed a beer off of the beverage cart and then slid down the slide to freedom. How awesome is that?

The tale doesn't quite end there. Steven grabbed his bags and kept a firm grip on his beer as he ran across the tarmac and caught the AirTrain to the employee parking lot where he got in his car and drove home. Just picture this in your head. Let's say your on the flight and you've just heard an airline employee cuss someone out on the intercom. Your interest would be piqued. Imagine how great it would be when you turned around to see what was going on and saw our hero, beer in hand, go sliding down that inflatable chute and then run across the tarmac! That might be the best thing I had ever seen in my life! It's one of the best things I've ever read about, I'll tell you that much.

Sadly, Steven's tale doesn't end there. No, according to the NY Post again, Steven had "...raced home to Belle Harbor, where he hopped into bed with his boyfriend." It is there and presumably in that position (or at least in some sort of position) that the cops arrested him and charged him with criminal mischief and reckless endangerment. Not a bad end to a pretty good day if you're asking me. You quit your job in style, get laid, get arrested and become an instant folk hero in the process. Well done, sir. Well done, indeed.

I hope that the tool who wouldn't sit down and who just had to get her bags out of the overhead compartment and told Steven to "f**k off" will face some sort of charge as well. Isn't that interfering with a flight crew or something like that? There has to be something. But even if there isn't, I think Steven is going to be OK. And I'm pretty sure that in the end he'll be a lot better off with this sort of a tale to follow him around. Who wouldn't want to be able to say that's how they quit their job? No one.

Getting A Little Squirrelly

I'm not a fan of "The Most Expensive ____" (put whatever you want in the blank) because there's no reasonable scale on which to judge something. I can say that I have a pair of socks for sale for one million dollars and that they are the most expensive socks in the world, but that doesn't necessarily make them so, you know what I mean? It's just like having "The World's Biggest (insert food item here)". If it's a food that you're growing in the ground or on a tree, that's fine. But if it's a food that anyone can make, that's ridiculous. Sure, you can have the World's Biggest Hamburger and have it weigh 750 pounds, but what is stopping anyone from having a 751 pound hamburger (other than sheer sanity)? Not much. World records that are the biggest and the most expensive should have a small degree of luck or chance to them.

That's all why I was not overly interested when I heard that, at $770 per bottle, a brewery in Fraserberg, Scotland, is selling a new Belgian blonde ale which is 55 percent alcohol. It's the process to make the beer which the brewers claim is the reason for the exorbitant expense. Apparently they need to keep the beer at far below freezing temperatures so that water separates from the solution. They apparently repeat that process a gazillion times and it takes hundreds of liters of the beer in order to make just one 330 ml bottle. Granted, it's a super boozy bottle, but it's still just one.

Is the process necessary? I have no idea. And while I have a fondness for beer, I don't have much of an interest in drinking a $770 bottle of beer. I just don't. That's not what beer is about. You know what else beer isn't about? Dead rodent road kill that are all taxidermied up with the bottle of beer shoved down inside them. Wait. What? Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That is the End of History Beer by BrewDog. According to AOL News the BrewDog co-founder, a one 29-year old James Watt said, "This is the beer to end all beers. It's an audacious blend of eccentricity, artistry and rebellion; changing the general perception of beer one stuffed animal at a time." OK, then. I'd definitely say that a $770 bottle of beer is audacious and reeks of a rebellion. But I'm not so sure that it changes the general perception of beer as much as it changes the general perception of anyone out there who is trying (sometimes desperately) to make a buck. I'm not much for gimmicks. I'm all for gimme, as in "Gimme my beer and leave me the hell alone". THAT I can totally get behind. A gimmick? Not so much.

Mr. Watt went on to say, "We want to show people there is an alternative to monolithic corporate beers, introduce them to a completely new approach to beer and elevate the status of beer in our culture." Well, that's all fine and good, but I don't know that you're going to elevate the status of much by cramming it down roadkill. I'm just saying. Mr. Watt added that (referring to beer drinkers in the United Kingdom) "are constrained by lack of choice; seduced by the monolithic corporate brewers' huge advertising budgets and brainwashed by vindictive lies perpetrated with the veracity of propaganda." I really wish he had given an example of the vindictive lies by corporate brewers. What could a brewer lie about? This beer won't get you drunk even a little bit? I don't get that. As for the constraining lack of choice, you DO live on an island, my good man. It's hard to have much variety when there isn't a lot of choice to be had. That doesn't mean that one needs to create variety by shoving a bottle of beer down a....what is that? A chipmunk? Never mind. All I'm saying is that you'll adjust the the drudgery of no variety.

Fortunately, there are only 12 bottles of The End of History. Unfortunately, they've already sold out of them. Of course they have. (In case you were wondering, the one creature is a stoat and the other one is a squirrel. There were 8 stoats available and only 4 squirrels. Apparently, stoats are more prone to getting clobbered by traffic than are the squirrels.) This is only going to make them try to do something of this nature again. They'll just strive for something a little more outrageous, is all. Maybe they'll cram a keg of ale inside of a hippopotamus or something. Or have a whole variety of beers on tap being poured from a cow's udder. Who knows? I only wish that I wouldn't have to find out.